Before

I sit here in this quite, tiny room.|
Filled with nothing but silence and hard determined students,
cramming every last bit of information in before thier up and coming tests.
Thinking to myself, how did I get here?

I have come from a world of delusion and agony,
where nothing was known and existence was a chore,
to a world where there is life. Beings that breath ans smile.
I can;t help but to think about all the times I have cried in the past year,
and try to compare them to how many times I have cried within these past two months.
It is almost like taking a pinata filled to the brim with water and comparing it to a broken mashed up one.
Tears used to be a daily ritual, but now I seldom feel them.

My arms still hold testament to my battles,
as do my thighs.
But neither bug me.
Neither catch the attention unless looked at closely.
Though the temptation is still there, calling me, haunting me,
I have been able to stave them off.

My heart has almost healed.
though there is still a hole, yes, a hole.
It was where you were once, happily snuggled up,
close to me,
always with me.
yes
It was your home, it was my comfort.
Now that you are gone,
it is a bit colder now.
I miss that bit of warmth you used to supply me with,
that warm hug on that cold snowy day.
When the sky was black and the stars were out.
I miss the giggle and the laughing fits we shared.
I miss our kisses under the snow fall.
But all of this is just a memory now.
A distant photograph, in an album tucked far away.

I know you don't see it that way.
But I do, and always will.
You were my first, and you will always have that little hole in my heart to crawl back into.

I sit here now and can't decide whether or not to cry or smile.
Thinking back on those days is both hard but pleasing,
knowing i have fought a war and one, yet knowing I have lost so much because of it.
None the less, the sun still shines, and the days continue to turn,
I'm still here, and I still want to continue on...


©2009
Morgan Doowrah