I really ought to relay a message to you.
An important, and heartfelt message.

Thank you.

I know that I haven't been in the best mindset,
and I know I am not the only one drowning in this work load.
But You have all been so helpful, I am beginning to feel quite guilty.

You have helped me finish projects,
you have bought me food and coffee, when I have not a penny to my name.
You have held me on a verge of a break down,
you have made me laugh when all light seemed to have faded.
You have the same amount of work, but you don't let that get in the way of friendship,
and that means all of the world to me...

Thank you all so much...
I don;t know what I would do without you.

♥ :)

Life

I'm calling, Tooku agaku boku no uta ga
Kimi no hoho wo sora ni mukeraretara
Hitori janai...

Whether we run or fight,
we still struggle to maintain our identity.
Refusing to give into the current of the river we call life.
We battle the normality we gaze upon each day.
Foolishly we fall in the same holes,
remaining in the same ruts we have been in for so long.


Love is a fleeting lie we use to cover our true identities.
Though the lust and compassion is ever so magnificent,
we still fall through the cracks in the ice.

Our emotions rule our sense of judgment.
Clouding all we see, hear, feel.
Sensory deprivation.

The lustful boy is the sensual whore's best friend.

Don't turn your back on a friend,
that's the first rule to all friendships.
Though when we look a it realistically, no one really abides by this.
The world is filled with backstabbers and we must just become accustomed to this.
You can try to change the worlds ways, but don't get your hopes up.

Don't get your hopes up.

For hope is a devilish emotion.
One of joy, until everything comes crashing down.
It can leave us satisfied, or torn.
Life's about taking chances, accept or decline.

Just remember Misery is the king of sadness,
Joy, the queen of happiness...
It's a war of two kingdoms, and your smack dab in the middle.
Chose your weapons carefully, and never forget to look behind you every once and a while.

©2009
Morgan Doowrah

Before

I sit here in this quite, tiny room.|
Filled with nothing but silence and hard determined students,
cramming every last bit of information in before thier up and coming tests.
Thinking to myself, how did I get here?

I have come from a world of delusion and agony,
where nothing was known and existence was a chore,
to a world where there is life. Beings that breath ans smile.
I can;t help but to think about all the times I have cried in the past year,
and try to compare them to how many times I have cried within these past two months.
It is almost like taking a pinata filled to the brim with water and comparing it to a broken mashed up one.
Tears used to be a daily ritual, but now I seldom feel them.

My arms still hold testament to my battles,
as do my thighs.
But neither bug me.
Neither catch the attention unless looked at closely.
Though the temptation is still there, calling me, haunting me,
I have been able to stave them off.

My heart has almost healed.
though there is still a hole, yes, a hole.
It was where you were once, happily snuggled up,
close to me,
always with me.
yes
It was your home, it was my comfort.
Now that you are gone,
it is a bit colder now.
I miss that bit of warmth you used to supply me with,
that warm hug on that cold snowy day.
When the sky was black and the stars were out.
I miss the giggle and the laughing fits we shared.
I miss our kisses under the snow fall.
But all of this is just a memory now.
A distant photograph, in an album tucked far away.

I know you don't see it that way.
But I do, and always will.
You were my first, and you will always have that little hole in my heart to crawl back into.

I sit here now and can't decide whether or not to cry or smile.
Thinking back on those days is both hard but pleasing,
knowing i have fought a war and one, yet knowing I have lost so much because of it.
None the less, the sun still shines, and the days continue to turn,
I'm still here, and I still want to continue on...


©2009
Morgan Doowrah

Obsucre

You lost a freedom in which we tend to obscure. To let the benine truth escape you, whilst you hide amongst the ancient trees in the deepest, darkest, forest of the world. Concealing yourself in a tomb like state. You'd rather let time pass you by, then reach up and grasp the day, and live for what is to come, not what is coming now. Don't you get it? It is fair to feel so cold, when the sun radiates a light so hot. It is fine to know fear, when all others travel forward with smiles on their faces. It is how you were formed. It is how you shall grow stronger. It is how you will move forward...

To fend off the demons you thought you had locked away, in the dark, narrow hole in your bleeding heart. They'll eat their way out, you should know that. The demon's tooth is a brutal weapon. One which we can not harness. Your blood is the fuel of the darkness. Your blood is the potion of love for the evil. Don't give your soul to the over lord. He'll toy with your mind, impaling your thoughts and notions. Restraining your every movement. Devouring you, one cell at a time.

You lost a freedom in which we tend to obscure. and because of that, you'll grow stronger...

[Just a random poem that lept from my mind and filtered itself through my fingers... Hope it makes sense, though I don't really care if you don't understand... no one does]

Lets get this straight.

Colder winds blow north and you blow south?
How does one block the world from one's own mind? If the world is in your mind, then does that make your mind the world? Rather than complex this idea any further, let's subtract the math and add the sense.

Humans are flawed. Don't you try to be perfect my dear, your nothing but a force-less little child. Some have had battles. Even wars, but you my friend, you have had none of the sort. You have had loneliness. You've desire to be there but were never close enough to touch it.

Lucky or Stupid?

The answer is hidden. You attempt to reach out and comfort, but you mangle the hearts of lovers in the process. Your vision is clouded, and you refuse to touch the water.
Cleanse your sense of belief and try to imagine what the ocean looks like then the clouds are stone grey.
Does the water turn silver in the reflection?
I find this hard to take for the seasons are changing and you are not.
You claim you've found love.
You claim love has found you.
Has it?
Sit and listen to yourself my dear, listen to your heart.
That is, if it's still beating...
You cannot demand affection.
You cannot demand love.
You want attention, well let me bring something to yours.
People are fragile, your the very definition of that.
Watch carefully as they move past you,
Do you feel loved now?
Do you feel wanted?
You cherish these people and you prey they feel the same for you,
but you'll never know the truth, and the way your going you'll never have the true answer.
You cannot bit the had that feeds you.
You want love, then respect it.

If I

If i cut a hole into my heart
and pull out the sinewes whish hold it together,
will it then stop beating.
If I slice open my veigns,
and let the blood rush out,
will i then be painless?

You know I do, I do, I-

If I sit in the bath tub filled with water,
and slide beneath the surface,
will i see clearly?
If I take these pills,
and this vodka bottle,
will things make sense?

|

you were, you were, m-

If I fall,
from the highest roof top,
will I be whole again?
If I walk infront or this bus,
will I be strong again?

again.

©2009
Morgan Doowrah

Cash Deposit

It's only cold when the wind blows...

May I ask how you found me? May I ask why you found me?
Revive me,
pile drive me.

I can't hear the tone, but I can record your heart beat. Leave it on the front steps and lets step on it, together. A blood pact if you may.

hey
hey

where's your heart of stone?
Oh
hello?

Right. Heartless, enslaved to the misery you manifest within the crevices of your brain.

slow, fast. speed it up now....

Run it back.

Remix of feelings? No.
A symphony of emotions, I think so. Can you run my 2/2 time?

cash deposits won't secure your heart.
But cash money is your wife, uh huh.
wait, wait, a heartless lump,
resting sideways amongst the tumbleweeds...
we'll keep on rollin'...
goin' with the flow...


©2009
Morgan Doowrah
what?

Nethiina

His hand was limp.
As was his entire body, from his short round toes, to his pale lifeless face.
The air had stopped flowing from his lungs a few minutes ago.
I stand above him and watch his motionless body lay there,
So many emotions flow through my mind, I can show all but one.

Resent.

His eyes are still open, glazed over and murky.
It feels as though they are starring into my soul,
Eating away at what's left.
I bend down and close them, and stay crouched over him.
I brush the back of my hand over his face, and try to remember what it had felt like when it was chalk full with life.

I slowly scan the rest of his body with my eyes.
His shirt is pulled up above his naval,
and there is a crimson stain near his heart.

The blood has stopped.

I slide my fingers over the wound and they become red.

It's still wet.

I bring them to my lips and suck on them.
I had forgotten what blood had tasted like. The salty, iron filled, taste.
It had been so long since I had licked the blood off a wound. Mind you it had been my own self inflicted carnage.

I curl up beside him and rest my head on his shoulder.
I stare at the wound in his heart, and I try to imagine what it must have looked like when it was struggling to pump.
Struggling to send the blood through the body, only to have it pour out of the hole.
The hole I cut into him.

I laugh, but tears begin to fall from my eyes.

"You stupid son of a bitch" I whisper
I press my lips to his cheek,
"Motherfucker I warned you, I warned you not to piss me off"
I lift my head and stare at his pale face.
"You knew what was going to happen yet you still persisted, I had no choice in the matter, nothing else could be done."
I wipe away the tears and rest my hand on his wound.

"I had to do it, I told you I would. It's my job, it's what I was raised to do."
I begin to grow angery with myself for being so weak. Why was I crying. Stop.
I rise to my feet and kick his ribs hard.
"You idiot, I loved you, but I hated you, and you gave me all the more reason to. See you in hell."

Foot steps echo off the walls in the distance.
They draw closer with every breath I take.
I turn towards the sound, Deskinth.
I quickly wipe what ever evidence of crying off my face, and pick up my knife.

A hand rests in my shoulder,
"Are you done here Nethiina? We mustn't waste time we do not have."
I squeeze my eyes shut and nod.
"Of course I am, I have been for some time. Lets go."
I turn away quickly, and begin walking away from the body.

Dethkinth turns to stare at the cold body on the ground.
He scans it entirely and sighs.
"If not for vengeance, love would be nothing more than a fleeting dream."

I reach the main street and lean against a light post.
I feel drained, completely exhausted. I feel weak.
I ram my fist into the poll and bite my lip to stop from screaming.
Why am I so tired, it was an easy kill, simple really, no struggling, or fighting. Nothing.
So why was my energy gone.
My fist starts to feel warm, I look down to find a river of blood flowing from my knuckles.

"Let us go Nethiina, we have other tasks at hand."

We begin to move away from the alley,
I look back once more, as if I were going to say goodbye,
but there is no one there,
because I killed the only one who would have been.

Wings

Cut off my wings and throw them to the darkness. I do not need them anymore... What good is it to fly when you have nowhere to go?

The mind's eye has set a course for obscurity, thus leading them astray. What guidance could I give them. Blinded by the forsaken light of those delusions. Hath no one seen the dark side? Whilst we sit in sorrow, the blood still drips from the amble demon's tooth. Yet what good doth it do, when nothing can be seen?

Ramblings on walls of stone. Do you read them? I was able to once. Yes.

Duly noted.

Hath these wings met the end of their reign? Have thoes who followed my light, faded with it? Have I lost all I have worked for? Hath all been forgotten? I can no longer rest assured I was made for this. You had chose me to paint a path for them. Yet here I lay, in a pool of my blood, and a river of tears. Feathers stained red, strewn about the cold hollow ground. A trampled mess I am. A cold harsh inner hatred exposed to the world once more.

I am broken.

They do not detach. No matter the blade, the gash, the slice, they stay. Attached. Try as I may, I cannot cut them off... I do not deserve these wings. I do not deserve to be followed. I do not wish to be seen in light. How can someone like I, be accepted. I shall falter just as the great have faltered. Why do we try to rebuild all that is broken. Death is death. One must not drudge such things up. So why doth the world attempt to remain.

These wings will not budge. Nor will this light fade. My eyes have become transfixed on them. The inhabitants of the other side... have they been here long? Yes. Have they always been here? Yes. I have become apart of something rather complex, yet I feel at home here...

You shall not take these wings, I have learnt now, the meaning of them...
What good are wings when one has no where to go.
For inner sanctuary is a place you know.


Morgan Doowrah
©2009

Child of Mine

I have forgotten you...

I have forgotten what your innocent face looks like. The softness of your pale skin.
The sparkle in your ever changing eyes. I cannot remember the smile which would form on your tender pink lips, or permanent blush of you cheeks. Your auburn hair was curly, wasn't it? I have forgotten what your laugh sounded like, and the way you would dance between the mighty trees. I don't remember what your tiny voice sounds like. I cannot remember your song. Your lullaby. Your treasure. I miss your glow. I long for your saccharine phrases. I yearn for those nimble fingers.

I have forgotten how to be you. Or is it that I merely grew away from you. I don't want to be away from you. I don't want to be different. Why can we not turn back the dial of life, and restore ourselves? Why must time continue to move forward? Can we not stop it, can we not run backwards, to the old times. The easy times? The childish times of joy and simplistic happiness.

I have forgotten me.

©2009
Morgan Doowrah

why why why

Over and over and over again your voice echoes off the walls of my skull.
I hear you when it's quiet, when I am trying to sleep, when the world stops moving.
I hear you.
Over and over I hear your soft, warm voice, calling my name, asking why why why why!?

Oh god, won't you just stop!

why why why, I loved you...

no no stop, stop.

I loved you with all my heart, please why?


shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up!

My heart won't beat any more. I thought you loved me to, I wanted you to be mine always...

S T O P

I wanted to be with you always, I wanted to watch the stars together, see the world together...

I can't take this any more, just leave me the fuck alone!

I don't understand... why? why? why? why?

Please, oh please, leave me alone. I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry. My heart has died like yours. My skin is cold like yours. Everything hurts like you. why can't you see I am heart borken to. Why can't we be. Why, why why WHY?

oh what did I do.

©2009
Morgan Doowrah

Please don't look at me like that.
Oh wait, you can't look at me because your not here anymore.
Your gone.
Faded like everything else,
and you took the light with you.

It's dark again.

I hurt again.

I'm sorry.

I guess what we had was to good to last.
As they say.
So what do I do now.
I dropped you,
dropped me.
Dropped everything.

I am so far away from everything now.
I can't reach up because my hands aren't working.
oh oh oh no.
I think I'm bleeding.
oh oh oh no
I think I'm crying.
oh oh oh no
I think I'm dying.


well inside I am.

We knew this was comming.
Didn't we?
Didn't w-
I

"He's just one guy"
My boy.
"There are plenty fish in the sea"
Not like him.
"You'll get over him"
over this cliff?

fall.

©2009
Morgan Doowrah

Ahwoo

I think therefor I fucked up

I think therefor I'm hurting.

In the end I lost. I lost lost lost. up, down, right, left, sideways, under, water. Does this make sence?

No

Yes

Maybe

fuck you

I don't know where i am right now. Well I do, but I don't and I don't but I do. You follow?

Take a deep breath, close your eyes and imagine walking on green grass on a sunny day, and then SHOOM you fall into a dark dark dark hole.

HELLO! Welcome to the prison I have been in for the past year! Howdy do!?

now you know where I am

oh yes yes yess you do!

or maybe you don't

oh wait no one does. No one will. I'm alone. Lone lone loney lone lone, wolf. ahwoo!

up down right left

wrong right

did I do the right thing? I think not. Cause here I am fading again.

fuck.

© Morgan Doowrah
2009

Note 1

I tried so hard to block this rambling in my brain,
but it still seems to be there.
Chanting, shouting, mocking me.
I have tried everything to expel it from my mind, yet nothing has worked.
I woke this morning to find my cheeks tear stained, and bruises all over my body.
There was blood on the sheet, from the cuts on my arms.
Even whilst deep asleep, I hate myself.
There is nothing pleasant about being me. Some may say that there is but, if you look deep into my eyes, and reach into my soul you will see how empty and shriveled it is. If you rest your head on my chest and listen for my heart beat, you will hear nothing. If you were to place your fingers on my veins or my jugular, you would feel no pulse. You would only feel the frigidness of my pale skin.

I don't see what others see in me. They say that's all just the mission of finding one's self. Yes, I agree, to an extent. I have only been in existence for eighteen short years, and have yet to experience much. I have been told by numerous people that it is just my age and that at the brink of adult hood, things seem much worse then they are. True. Things seem to been so dark that I don't quite know what light looks like. Some would say that's my depression, others just my way of thinking. whether or not it is me. I don't feel that there is much to look forward to. Sure I have said this numerous times, and yes, yadda yadda. It is not just my recent decision to break up with the boy I have been with for over a year, that has initiated my downward spiral. There are many factors to this. Some, one would view as insignificant of stupid. Some, others would agree are a nuisance. Either way, I have fallen back into the rut I had almost climbed out of and am stuck once again. Shrouded by the darkness that is, pain.

So though I have rambled on like this before and am sure whom ever read this, must find it familiar. I don't care. This is where I am. This is what I am thinking, and this is what I have written. If I remain alive in the next few weeks, I will be quite surprised. For I am growing awfully tired of fighting to stave away the blackness... I know there are people out there, that are fighting demons much larger then mine, and I apologise for not living my life to the fullest. If I could I would give my life to those sitting in a hospital bed, dying , wishing they had more time. I truly would. But I can't and why take someone else's spot, I will give mine up for someone more dissevering. Thus my dilemma...

BLACK CAT

I don't quite know how I got here,
or why for that matter,
but I can't seem to find the answer anywhere...
I can try to think up ideas as to why this happened,
why I faltered.
But even if I do, what good would it do?
Would it even change me?|
For so long now it seems I have been stuck in this hole,
this deep, dreary, dark hole,
with no way out.
It feels as though I have been stuck here for so long that perhaps I have always been here.

When I met you,
a light fell from the clouds.
When I met you, things didn't seem as dark, the hole didn't feel so deep.
I could actually smile and laugh.
I began to feel again,
my body grew warmer and my skin grew lighter.
When I met you, all the pain and anger vanished, and in it's place, feelings I had never felt before.
But,
I have always been a black cat,
each time I get close to someone,
adn cross their path,
something horrid falls upon them.
& It was only normal for this to happen to you.
It was to be expected.
I tried to warn you, I begged you to run,
but you stayed, and you fought, and you tried to help.
You tried, and I failed.
And now your gone and I am alone,
in the darkness, where I belong.

So I have learned from the past,
and I have learned from this pain.
I knew to stay alone, but now it is crystal clear,
I deserve to be alone, for what I have done to you,
& everyone else.
I shall return to the hole, deep in the ground,
and remain far from any living thing.
I have severed most of my relationships,
and will continue to do so.
I'm sorry I crossed your path...

Squeezed

If I were to drag a knife down the entire length or my body, do you think I would feel it. Do you think I would notice. I have been so numb that not even a few slaps to the face woke me up. You can punch me, hit me, slap me, kick the fucking shit our of me, and, I wouldn't feel a thing. Cause I know I deserve it. I know I abused you, so heh, why not abuse me. Come on do it, do it. I know that's what you want to do. It's what I want you to do. Then again, what I do makes everyone unhappy, so you might as well kick me until I bleed to death, or push me off the roof of a building. Anything, I would let you do anything.

I broke you. I took your heart and squeezed it tight. So tight that it began spew blood. You watched as it ran down my arms and fell to the floor. With every squeeze, you grew weaker and weaker, and the pain continued to grow. You fell to the ground, with not enough strength to stand. You gazed up at me with those big innocent eyes, and with out a sound you asked why?
But I couldn't hear you. I couldn't see you. I just squeezed and ripped your heart as much as I pleased and I wasn't aware that I was killing you. Stupid no?

So kill me. Come here and kill me. Hurt me like I hurt you. Then maybe, you can be happy.

I Left You

I left you.
Alone.

I left you.
Broken.

I left you.
Crippled.

I left you.
Mangled.

I left you.

© Morgan Doowrah
2009

Love Note

I wish to tell you so much
but in this short time I have
I doubt I will be able to tell you it all...


It goes without saying you are the one person who has meant a insurmountable amount of anything to me. There is no one in the entirety of this earth who will equal what you are. You are the one thing in my life I am proud of. You are the person I never thought I'd know. I suppose nothing I say here will take you by surprise, but I just want to tell you. I know there are things you keep locked away inside of you, and I have also come to expect that I will not know everything you are pondering. Yet I can accept that, because I can accept you.

There were times when doubt flooded my mind, and nothing you said made sense. There were times where I felt alone and left out, there were times when I thought we were never coming back. But you proved me wrong each time. You showed me again and again that you were always there. You held the flashlight and guided me down the dark path, into the field filled with moonlight. You helped me see who you and I were and how we could be more than I ever thought. You, led me strait into your arms, and that is where I stayed.

Letting go of myself through out relationship, was a mistake I do not know how I lost her. I suppose she died. To blame that on you is wrong, for I know that it was not your fault. I suppose my feelings about things have changed with me, and though it may seem have become this way because of us, I would like to inform you that I personally do not believe such things. Yet It is not up to me to tell you what to believe. I just want you to know, my sadness is not necessarily any of your doing, and to be honest I wish I knew what it was that made me this way. Perhaps I will find out soon, but until then please don't carry this as a burden.

I have managed, in our time together, to learn to trust. I know that I still need some practice, but you are helping me to learn. As well I know that I have learned to hurt you. Not on prpose though, I still hvae caused you much pain. It was never my intetion to put you through such things and I apologise whole heartedly. I hope you know I never ment to make you cry. Ever.

Though my time is short I just wanted to tell you what you are, and you are the one I love. The one I will forever care for. No matter our status... I love you, and nothing can change that...

Pantoon

Here is your destiny
silent and alone,
like you always are,
but they don't know

Silent and alone,
the sweet lovable girl
but they don't know
your sadness

The sweet lovable girl
riddled with scars
your sadness
a mask of smiles

Riddled with scars,
you lie to protect
with a mask of smiles
you stay hidden from all

You lie to protect
like you always will
stay hidden from all
Here is your destiny

Morgan.E.Doowrah
©2009

Inept

Listlessly I walk towards you
hands cold and clammy,
rivers of makeup run down my cheeks.
Lest, I fall now.

Torn from the inside out,
I fight myself, if only to find myself again.
Sadly I don't understand what you are saying,
your words do not make sense,
or perhaps I am just inept.
You grow blurry now,
or perhaps you are just fading away,
fading like everything else,
disappearing, leaving me alone again.
Or is it merely that I am vanishing,
dissolving into the air, into nothingness.

It's colder now,
the wind has picked up,
gusts send needles into my arms,
stabbing me over and over.
it hurts.
I hurt.
It hurts to be alone.

Please see me,
please hear me,
please please please.

I need you here to catch me,
because I am falling,
and I'll close my eyes
and brace myself,
then, perhaps the fall won't be so harsh,
and maybe I can pick myself up off the ground,
with my fingers intertwined with yours.

Morgan.E.Doowrah
©2009

Blistery

At times like these I feel it necessary to leave the room and travel down the hall.
The dull, narrow, ugly hallway of this dingy building.
It's so confusing, this place, and the people within, and the stories they tell.....
I am perplexed by the smiles and giggles I hear reverberate off the walls,
how can these children be so happy? How can I be that happy?
I can't quite put a finger on it. Is it just luck? Are they just the lucky ones,
the ones that are privileged enough to know true happiness.
Or perhaps they can just move on, solve the problems and smile as if nothing ever happened.

This room is hot and congested; My lugs struggle to pull in air.
this heat is stifling, and I cannot take it any more.
Now it is mandatory that I step out for a breath of real air, even if it isn't fresh, it's better than the smog in this room.

Left right left right, I watch my feet as I travel down the hall.
left right left right
one in font of the other, follow those silver lines.
left right left right
My eyes stay fixed on the ground,
not moving, not blinking,
left right left-
I stare at a pair of feet in front of mine.
Black checkerboard print high tops.
mint condition, with a few salt stains form the ice outside.
I follow the toe to the tongue, then the tongue to the pant bottom,
follow the pant legs to the torso then to the face.
I trace his chiseled cheek bones with my eyes, his skin to soft and brown.
I trace his cheeks to his nose then gaze into his eyes,
his breath taking, glistening eyes.

These halls are so bleak, so gloomy,
yet here standing tall in front of me, this tall dark boy,
with eyes of sunlight and hair like the night sky.
How is it that he can smile, while he walks these claustrophobic halls?
His smile so genuine, so innocent.
Where do you find innocence like this?

He steps to the side and presses his lips to my ear,
“smile won’t you, you look so much prettier when you smile”
I can feel my cheeks flush and he turns to face me again.

These halls are so bleak and gloomy,
yet here in these halls I found love.
Perhaps I am still unable to find true happiness,
but at least this room has air.....

Morgan.E.Doowrah
©2009

Sleeping Beauty.

I glance out my window
and catch the sun slipping behind the houses.
Another sun set,
another day drawing to a close,
just to be followed by the rise of another.
And with each new day,
a new problem, and new issue.
I close my eyes and let out a sigh,
I can't believe the day is done.
The same routine,
day after day.
It seems so melancholic.
So simple.
So pointless.
It feels as though I trudge through each day,
hoping to stay clear of any bumps or pot holes along the way.
Yet sure enough I end up face first into a hot steamy problem.
Whether it be drama here,or an argument there,
they all just seem to flock to me,
like ducks to a pond.
What point is there to continue this cycle of misfortune any longer?
What point is there to try to help, but cause more good then bad?
What point is there, being around when no one cares?
With the setting of the sun, the rise of a new one comes.
Yet perhaps not for me,
perhaps my sun has set and night shall rest eternally over my kingdom,
and perhaps just as Sleeping Beauty,
I will sleep forever more...

Morgan.E.Doowrah
©2009

Don't Jump

You can't take that final jump.
You can't close your eyes and lean forward,
you just can't.
She needs you.
Look into her eyes and see how much she needs you.
Can't you see it?
She loves you, she looks up to you,
you have to see that.
You are her world,
her anchor, what will she have when you are gone?
How will she know whats right form wrong?
How can she smile when her very world had crashed down around her.
Could you imagine what that must be like?
Your sister,
the one you look up to,
your immortal, your everything, the one who makes you cry but you know she doesn't mean it.
Could you imagine that disappearing in front of you?
The one thing you held so closely, slip away into the sky,
never to be seen again.
Left to lay beneath the ground,
untouchable, unhuggable.
No warmth, no air.
Could you imagine standing beside the casket looking down upon your sister,
her rich skin colour, faded into a pale grey,
her once breath taking eyes, closed for eternity never to open again,
her soft red lips, pink and flaky.
What would that feel like,
to know your best friend and living angel won't come into your room at night and kiss you on the forehead, whisper goodnight and smile.
What would it be like to no longer have sleep overs and giggle about video games and insignificant things?
You can't take the jump,
you just can't,
she needs you more than you realize,
your are her sky, her ground, her sun and her rain.
You light up her face,
you can't do it,
not now, not yet,
just wait please,
she loves you,
and I know you love her.

Morgan.E.Doowrah
©2009

Frozen Pieces

Emotions torn from the very depth of my heart
whipped across the room,
only to hit the wall and shatter into a million
tiny insufficient pieces.
A trail of blood flows from the mess on the floor.
A silent standstill.
Self pitted against self.
Battles of life and death.
A broken heart hurts more than a thousand cuts.
Words of disdain and anger,
tossed around like garbage.
like pieces of paper with useless words strewn across the pages.
Useless words.
You against me
me against me
two people, so close, but indistinguishable strangers.
I hate you.
I detest me.
You, that side of me,
that girl I don't know,
that girl with the same face, but it's stern and frigid.
Why do you stay?
I hate you.
I hate me.
If you are apart of me, that means you must be me.
Then if you are me, I deserve this,
this pain and heart ache?
If you are me, then I belong to this darkness.
If you are me, I hate me.
Self pitted against self.
I am losing, laying atop the cold dirty floor,
next to the pieces of my shattered memories,
tears they flow so freely.
You are me.
You are me and I wish you weren't.
You are me, and because of that I lost it all.
I'm giving in to you, I lost my strength to fight.
Useless words.
You are me, what can I do?
I hate you.
Do I hate me?
It's cold here, and it's where I belong.

Morgan.E.Doowrah
©2009

Mental-ness

Lately I have been thinking about the way I am. I know we all have
self-esteem issues, even the most beautiful people have insecurities I
am sure. But I mean I don't really have any at all [self-esteem that is]. Which is kind of
bad considering I should. I guess the stereotypes don't help much, and
the pressure to conform is INTENSE. I don't find it fair that both girls and boys have to look a certain way. Girls have to be skinny with big boobs and a tight butt, where as guys either scrawny or built. I find there are harsher ones placed on
us girls but that's just my opinion. Another thing that comes along with my low self-esteem is my inability to like myself for who I am.

Some times it feels as though I space out and hear myself talking
but saying things I don't think I would say, and then I get confused
and freak out. I sound like some sort of crazy trying to figure out the
right words and things. I think I am crazy sometimes. To be honest I
was reading up on this article the other day, [BPD] and well, I had a suspicious that I may or may not have some sort of mental condition and I was thinking it may be Boarder Line Personality Disorder. Some of the things that jumped out at me were 'pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior' as well as 'intense bouts of anger, depression, and anxiety that may last only hours, or at most a day. These may be associated with episodes of impulsive aggression, self-injury, and drug or alcohol abuse. Distortions in cognition and sense of self can lead to frequent changes in long-term goals, career plans, jobs, friendships, gender identity, and values". Now I am not saying that i suffer from these like, INTENSELY, but I do have these 'mood swings' if you will. I am also a tad bit of a hypochondriac.

See I kinda want to talk to someone about this but I am to scared to, cause what if they tell my parents about my 'habit' I really don't want to be under strict supervision again. [They caught me in the act once] So I am kind of at a cross roads. Blehh haha. So strange that I write about this in a Myspace blog haha..

Morgan.

[taken from my Myspace page]

Put it Down

Being unable to stop what is hazardous to me,
has proved to be quite the challenge.
Rather than putting down the blade,
I hide it away,
keep it safe until I need it.
This won't solve anything.
Yet even though I know this, it seems to not sway my position.
It's quite a puzzling predicament, and one I would rather not be apart of.
Perhaps it is my fault that I don't stop,
well actually more like I "can't" stop, but I need to figure out that answer soon
cause I fear with each new scar, comes a new bump, in the trust and support my love has in me.
I feel as though each time I cut myself, I cut him,
so why is it that I can't force myself to stop?
How does this make any sense!?
Help...
I have thought about help and getting it, but love has told me so many stories and such,
That I don't know if I want to get it.
I fear perhaps I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder.
Some of the symptoms certainly jumped out at me.
Maybe I really am a crazy mental basket case!?
ahhhhrg why why why why WHY!?
I'm so scared and I don't want to sit here and do nothing in case it really is a mental problem!
RAWR I don't know what to do...
I want to get help but I don't want to be stalked by social workers, I mean and if my parents found out. holy shit I don't even want to think about that. I mean my mom IS a freaking social worker!
SHIT ahh, I don't know what to do and I just don't want to jeopardize my relationship again!
uhhhhhhhhhhhhhg!


Morgan.

Growing

We're growing.
We blink, and the day is done.
We look at ourselves in the mirror.
We have changed.
Breasts and makeup,
acne and style.
We all change.
Wrestling on the floor,
turns to wrestling under the covers.
breathing out the hot air on a cold day, becomes breathing out smoke on a warm day.
Drinking juice in the park progresses into,
drinking alcohol on the bench.
We've lost our innocence, that is if we had any.
Some have changed so much, they can't recognize themselves.
Why did this happen?
The boy you spent all your time with, talking and laughing,
now becomes the boy you have "flings" with.
Meeting new people was fun, easy and safe. No one cared what you looked like.
Now it's difficult and perceptions are often blurred.
Socializing has become a harsh and troubling event.
Petty conversation, underlined with hidden judgments.
Boys and girls,
hormones and testosterone a deadly cocktail.
A supposed "harmless" conversation with a new friend of the opposite sex,
turns into a struggle for escape while his clammy, dirty hand
slips under your shirt as he tells you to hush.
Laughs turn into pleads and screams of "no"s and "please don't" s.
Gossip and bad mouthing have become the universal language of the teenage girl.
Poisoned words candy coated for the consumer's pleasure.
A hidden disaster.
How did this happen,
things seem so much, brighter when we were young.
Things seemed enjoyable and pleasant.
How can they have turned out this way?
It's not fair.
The new chapter of the future, if looked at closely,
is littered with spelling mistakes and bad grammar.
We have changed,
and it seems as though, things will continue to.
So I suppose we must learn how to resocialize ourselves to cope with each new day, for;
The future. The past.
The present.

Morgan.E.Doowrah
©2008
{Fuck I can't write anymore...>_<"}

01/05/09

You don't believe me,
you won't listen to me.
How can I tell you things when you won't listen.
It's my fault that you feel this way,
I was the one that made you feel sad,
I was the one that abused you.
I don't know what to do any more.
You accused me over something stupid, said I was looking at you but I chose to talk with my friends and leave you sitting there waiting.
You said I was neglecting you on purpose.
I tried to tell you that I really didn't see you but you just kept yelling.
Screaming.
You swore at me over and over and over,
I wanted to cry but i couldn't so I laughed.
You thought I was doing it just to spite you.
You think I do everything in spite.
You say I am miserable, so very miserable,
and that I go out of my way just to be miserable.
You say I search for it, I look in every nook and cranny until I find some small, dimeer, trace of misery.
You told me that I make it hard for you to be a parent.
You say I make it incredibly hard.
You tell me I treat you both horribly, and that I have no respect at all.
You tell me my mother feels the same.
You say I should move out.
So I reply "Fine"
You scream at me some more, until I try to say something but all that comes out of my mouth are laughs of confusion.
You jerk the car over onto the side walk,
and you shout at me,
you scream "GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE CAR, GET THE FUCK OUT!"
So I do, and then those tears which waited close together, confused about what they should do,
finally break out and in a uncontrollable river.
I walk slow at first, everything feels so heavy and weighed down.
I wheeze and huff, trying to breath,
but it's hard.
You turned the car around and pulled up behind me
"Get in the car!"
you shouted,
"MORGAN GET IN THE FUCKIN' CAR!"
At this point I really just wanted to be alone.
Thoughts of pulling my cold steel friend out and running it along my arm
flash through my mind at a rapid pace.
I wanted to be alone.
I wanted to go somewhere quiet and cry my eyes out.
"FUCK YOU"
I screamed
"FUCK YOU, NO!"
your tires spun on the ice as you pulled up in front of me.
"Get in the FUCKING CAR RIGHT NOW!"
I don't want to fight you.
I get in the car, my eyes probably puffy and red, smeared with the black from both the mascara and eyeliner.
You begin to lecture again.
I can hear you, but I block it all out,
for at this point I can't take it.
I know everything you said.
I took it all in after.
You accuse me of writing poems about you, just so I can guilt trip you.
You say I use them to help me manipulate you.
You tell me about how much you love me.
You drop me off at work and say
"I will always love you more than anything in the world"
Now who's the guilt tripper?
I run into work and break down in the back room.
I cry for at least 10 minutes until my boss walks in,
and thank God he came in.
He tried to help but how can you when your employee has problems with her family.
How can you when she tries to explain the problem but she doesn't even know what to say.
What do you say to a girl balling her eyes out, who says "I hate my self!"
What do you say?
After he left, i had no choice.
I grabbed my lifeline,
shut the door to the washroom,
let is bit me hard.
Deeper than ever before.
It bled, and I did it again and again.
It felt good.
I needed to do it.
I hated who I was,
I wanted to hurt myself so bad.
I wanted to cut to punish myself for being the person that hurts people.


YOU DUMB ASS SON OF A BITCH!
How dare you say I use my poetry for guilting you into being sad!
How dare you! I write to feel better, I write what I feel.
I know we have our augments ok!
I AM A FUCKING TEENAGER AFTER ALL!
A GODDAMN TEENAGER!
I can understand that I can be a bitch sometimes,
Your telling me.
I know this already, ok!
I scare myself sometimes.
I don't know where these moods and feelings come from.
I am scared I have a disorder.
BPD or Borderline Personality Disorder.
You don't know how many nights I stay up,
just thinking about the things I did that day, or the way I acted, and try to figure out why,
and I can't!
Do you know how scary it is,
to feel like you are watching yourself act and say things, and you have no idea why you are saying them!?
It's terrifying.
Do you know what it's like to go through these days feeling like our ugly and people see that.
Do you know what it is like to hate yourself because you feel like a fuck up.
I don't really think you know what that is like.
You told me that it feels like I don't love you or want to love you any more.
To be honest I don't know what I want to do!
When we were there, sitting in that car,
I wanted to jump out in front of a car, just so you won't have to deal with this any more.
It's hard enough going though some days feeling fine, then some where everything goes wrong and all I want to do I cut it out of me.
Do you know what it feels like to cut yourself then have to tell the one that loves you most that you did it again, and then know how much he worries about you.
Do you know what it's like to know how helpless he feels, and know it's because of you?
It's hard to go through days when you feel like killing yourself because of who you are.
Fuck you won't ever know how hard that is.

I don't want to be that daughter that makes it hard for you to be a parent.
I don't want to fight with you, and I never do.
It happens and I am sorry.
Yet it's not just me and maybe if you stopped fucking mom when you are divorced, it will be much better. { I presume that is what you are doing }
Stop sleeping at our house when you have some one else.
Is that not just fucking wrong!?
No one understands that! { yes I have told other people about it }

Just go see that whore of yours.
Go tell her how hard your fucking life is,
and how much your daughter "abuses" you and "manipulates" you into driving her places.
Tell her how much you wish I was different.

I don't know why things have always been this way,
and I don't know how to fix them,
but as far as I am concerned, for now, I don't really want to...

Morgan.