Note 1

I tried so hard to block this rambling in my brain,
but it still seems to be there.
Chanting, shouting, mocking me.
I have tried everything to expel it from my mind, yet nothing has worked.
I woke this morning to find my cheeks tear stained, and bruises all over my body.
There was blood on the sheet, from the cuts on my arms.
Even whilst deep asleep, I hate myself.
There is nothing pleasant about being me. Some may say that there is but, if you look deep into my eyes, and reach into my soul you will see how empty and shriveled it is. If you rest your head on my chest and listen for my heart beat, you will hear nothing. If you were to place your fingers on my veins or my jugular, you would feel no pulse. You would only feel the frigidness of my pale skin.

I don't see what others see in me. They say that's all just the mission of finding one's self. Yes, I agree, to an extent. I have only been in existence for eighteen short years, and have yet to experience much. I have been told by numerous people that it is just my age and that at the brink of adult hood, things seem much worse then they are. True. Things seem to been so dark that I don't quite know what light looks like. Some would say that's my depression, others just my way of thinking. whether or not it is me. I don't feel that there is much to look forward to. Sure I have said this numerous times, and yes, yadda yadda. It is not just my recent decision to break up with the boy I have been with for over a year, that has initiated my downward spiral. There are many factors to this. Some, one would view as insignificant of stupid. Some, others would agree are a nuisance. Either way, I have fallen back into the rut I had almost climbed out of and am stuck once again. Shrouded by the darkness that is, pain.

So though I have rambled on like this before and am sure whom ever read this, must find it familiar. I don't care. This is where I am. This is what I am thinking, and this is what I have written. If I remain alive in the next few weeks, I will be quite surprised. For I am growing awfully tired of fighting to stave away the blackness... I know there are people out there, that are fighting demons much larger then mine, and I apologise for not living my life to the fullest. If I could I would give my life to those sitting in a hospital bed, dying , wishing they had more time. I truly would. But I can't and why take someone else's spot, I will give mine up for someone more dissevering. Thus my dilemma...