why why why

Over and over and over again your voice echoes off the walls of my skull.
I hear you when it's quiet, when I am trying to sleep, when the world stops moving.
I hear you.
Over and over I hear your soft, warm voice, calling my name, asking why why why why!?

Oh god, won't you just stop!

why why why, I loved you...

no no stop, stop.

I loved you with all my heart, please why?


shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up!

My heart won't beat any more. I thought you loved me to, I wanted you to be mine always...

S T O P

I wanted to be with you always, I wanted to watch the stars together, see the world together...

I can't take this any more, just leave me the fuck alone!

I don't understand... why? why? why? why?

Please, oh please, leave me alone. I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry. My heart has died like yours. My skin is cold like yours. Everything hurts like you. why can't you see I am heart borken to. Why can't we be. Why, why why WHY?

oh what did I do.

©2009
Morgan Doowrah

Please don't look at me like that.
Oh wait, you can't look at me because your not here anymore.
Your gone.
Faded like everything else,
and you took the light with you.

It's dark again.

I hurt again.

I'm sorry.

I guess what we had was to good to last.
As they say.
So what do I do now.
I dropped you,
dropped me.
Dropped everything.

I am so far away from everything now.
I can't reach up because my hands aren't working.
oh oh oh no.
I think I'm bleeding.
oh oh oh no
I think I'm crying.
oh oh oh no
I think I'm dying.


well inside I am.

We knew this was comming.
Didn't we?
Didn't w-
I

"He's just one guy"
My boy.
"There are plenty fish in the sea"
Not like him.
"You'll get over him"
over this cliff?

fall.

©2009
Morgan Doowrah

Ahwoo

I think therefor I fucked up

I think therefor I'm hurting.

In the end I lost. I lost lost lost. up, down, right, left, sideways, under, water. Does this make sence?

No

Yes

Maybe

fuck you

I don't know where i am right now. Well I do, but I don't and I don't but I do. You follow?

Take a deep breath, close your eyes and imagine walking on green grass on a sunny day, and then SHOOM you fall into a dark dark dark hole.

HELLO! Welcome to the prison I have been in for the past year! Howdy do!?

now you know where I am

oh yes yes yess you do!

or maybe you don't

oh wait no one does. No one will. I'm alone. Lone lone loney lone lone, wolf. ahwoo!

up down right left

wrong right

did I do the right thing? I think not. Cause here I am fading again.

fuck.

© Morgan Doowrah
2009

Note 1

I tried so hard to block this rambling in my brain,
but it still seems to be there.
Chanting, shouting, mocking me.
I have tried everything to expel it from my mind, yet nothing has worked.
I woke this morning to find my cheeks tear stained, and bruises all over my body.
There was blood on the sheet, from the cuts on my arms.
Even whilst deep asleep, I hate myself.
There is nothing pleasant about being me. Some may say that there is but, if you look deep into my eyes, and reach into my soul you will see how empty and shriveled it is. If you rest your head on my chest and listen for my heart beat, you will hear nothing. If you were to place your fingers on my veins or my jugular, you would feel no pulse. You would only feel the frigidness of my pale skin.

I don't see what others see in me. They say that's all just the mission of finding one's self. Yes, I agree, to an extent. I have only been in existence for eighteen short years, and have yet to experience much. I have been told by numerous people that it is just my age and that at the brink of adult hood, things seem much worse then they are. True. Things seem to been so dark that I don't quite know what light looks like. Some would say that's my depression, others just my way of thinking. whether or not it is me. I don't feel that there is much to look forward to. Sure I have said this numerous times, and yes, yadda yadda. It is not just my recent decision to break up with the boy I have been with for over a year, that has initiated my downward spiral. There are many factors to this. Some, one would view as insignificant of stupid. Some, others would agree are a nuisance. Either way, I have fallen back into the rut I had almost climbed out of and am stuck once again. Shrouded by the darkness that is, pain.

So though I have rambled on like this before and am sure whom ever read this, must find it familiar. I don't care. This is where I am. This is what I am thinking, and this is what I have written. If I remain alive in the next few weeks, I will be quite surprised. For I am growing awfully tired of fighting to stave away the blackness... I know there are people out there, that are fighting demons much larger then mine, and I apologise for not living my life to the fullest. If I could I would give my life to those sitting in a hospital bed, dying , wishing they had more time. I truly would. But I can't and why take someone else's spot, I will give mine up for someone more dissevering. Thus my dilemma...

BLACK CAT

I don't quite know how I got here,
or why for that matter,
but I can't seem to find the answer anywhere...
I can try to think up ideas as to why this happened,
why I faltered.
But even if I do, what good would it do?
Would it even change me?|
For so long now it seems I have been stuck in this hole,
this deep, dreary, dark hole,
with no way out.
It feels as though I have been stuck here for so long that perhaps I have always been here.

When I met you,
a light fell from the clouds.
When I met you, things didn't seem as dark, the hole didn't feel so deep.
I could actually smile and laugh.
I began to feel again,
my body grew warmer and my skin grew lighter.
When I met you, all the pain and anger vanished, and in it's place, feelings I had never felt before.
But,
I have always been a black cat,
each time I get close to someone,
adn cross their path,
something horrid falls upon them.
& It was only normal for this to happen to you.
It was to be expected.
I tried to warn you, I begged you to run,
but you stayed, and you fought, and you tried to help.
You tried, and I failed.
And now your gone and I am alone,
in the darkness, where I belong.

So I have learned from the past,
and I have learned from this pain.
I knew to stay alone, but now it is crystal clear,
I deserve to be alone, for what I have done to you,
& everyone else.
I shall return to the hole, deep in the ground,
and remain far from any living thing.
I have severed most of my relationships,
and will continue to do so.
I'm sorry I crossed your path...

Squeezed

If I were to drag a knife down the entire length or my body, do you think I would feel it. Do you think I would notice. I have been so numb that not even a few slaps to the face woke me up. You can punch me, hit me, slap me, kick the fucking shit our of me, and, I wouldn't feel a thing. Cause I know I deserve it. I know I abused you, so heh, why not abuse me. Come on do it, do it. I know that's what you want to do. It's what I want you to do. Then again, what I do makes everyone unhappy, so you might as well kick me until I bleed to death, or push me off the roof of a building. Anything, I would let you do anything.

I broke you. I took your heart and squeezed it tight. So tight that it began spew blood. You watched as it ran down my arms and fell to the floor. With every squeeze, you grew weaker and weaker, and the pain continued to grow. You fell to the ground, with not enough strength to stand. You gazed up at me with those big innocent eyes, and with out a sound you asked why?
But I couldn't hear you. I couldn't see you. I just squeezed and ripped your heart as much as I pleased and I wasn't aware that I was killing you. Stupid no?

So kill me. Come here and kill me. Hurt me like I hurt you. Then maybe, you can be happy.

I Left You

I left you.
Alone.

I left you.
Broken.

I left you.
Crippled.

I left you.
Mangled.

I left you.

© Morgan Doowrah
2009