Why?

It's a vicious cycle
and it seems so have caught me.
I don't know how to end this.
I don't know how to stop.
Can you tell me?
Because it seems to have blinded me.

Some times it's
hardest being yourself.
Somtimes it's worse to think
about what it's doing,
what I'm doing.

You call it selfish...
You tell me to think of others.
I do I really do.
Thats all I ever do...
I am not being selfish,
I never wanted any one to know.
I never wanted them to find out.

I am sorry,
I don't want to,
I am sorry,
I did it today.
This time cause I felt like it...
didn't even have a reason.
If I feel bad, I do it.
If I feel dumb, I do it.
YOU KNOW THIS! I KNOW
I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW!

It's a disease,
it's and addiction,
I know you are all deepley hurt by it,
i'm sure...
but just don't concern yourself with me.
If it's to much, forget I do it.
If it hurts you that much,
ignor me.
I don't mind
I don't so it becasue of you.
I don't do it so show you.
I NEVER wanted you to know.

I'm not selfish.
I'm not selfish.
no.
Please understand I am not selfish.
Please understand I don't want anyone to ever know.
Please forget me and my mistakes.
Please can we go back to normal.
Please block me out, you'll feel better then.
You'll feel better than
I'll feel better than

Morgan Doowrah
©2008

Ballad

Smiles and soft embraces
holing hands and locking lips
walking through the rows of happy faces
going insane
lets count the paces

Dark clouds we create
we try to see the happiness
of our current mental state
nothings better these days
then livening just to hate

I feel so desperate
nothings there, but empty walls
why can't I except it
broken promises leave us here
a cold blow, a fatal hit

Living here's a curse **
death's the final verse
in the ballad of my life,
hope you know your the worst
for loving me-

Noting helps to ease this pain,
I try to breath
but it's all in vain
I know you were there
I know I'm the one to blame-

I never sleep
these thoughts, your words
they cut me deep,
the pains to strong
no longer alive, hearts to weak.

Living here's a curse **
death's the final verse
in the ballad of my life,
hope you know your the worst
for loving me-

Living here's a curse
death's the final verse
in the ballad of my life,
hope you know your the worst
for loving me-

Morgan.E.Doowrah
©2008

[This is a sad attempt at a song... if you have suggestions please feel free to tell me in "tag"... plz&thankyou]

Nathan

It's been a while
since we last spoke,
can't believe your back again,
I missed you so.
I never forgot who you were.

I thought of you,
all this time,
little things would
make me laugh
and remember the
many late night conversations we had.


I thought that was it,
I thought that was the end,
you left for so long
never online,
I knew you had found love,
which I was happy about,
but
deep down it hurt so much.

I cried sometimes,
when I looked at your picture,
I knew you lived far,
I knew it was pointless,
but I still kept those feelings for you,
I never let them go.

I still remember
all the promises we made,
all the things we talked about.
I still have all of your letters,
I'll never throw them away.
I'll never throw you away.

I thought we grew apart,
like every one I love in my life.
I thought you left me.
I was scared, I was sad,
I didn't want to believe it.
I didn't want it to be true.
but
your back now.

Things are different now,
we are both older,
more mature and wise.
We have been through things
that have changed us,
but
not the way we feel for each other...

It confuses me,
I loved you so long ago,
I thought I no longer did,
it hurt so much when you left,
I guess I tucked it away,
and pretended to forget it.

But this feel wrong,
your heart is broken,
and I am in love.
Perhaps this is just confusion,
perhaps your heat is confused,
with no one left to love it.
Perhaps it just needs a reason to love.
We should wait, until it heals.

This feels wrong,
I thought I found love.
How can I feel the same for two people?
Is this right?
How is this possible?

It's been so long,
and you've changed so much,
your voice is much deeper now.
You still make me laugh,
we still talk for hours.

I am confused..
I don't know what to do...
I don't know what to say...
all I know
is I still feel the same way...

Morgan.E.Doowrah
©2008

cutter

I'm scared,
I don't know whats wrong,
I don't know how this all started,
I don't know why...


It's all a blur,
I'm so confused,
nothing seems to make sense any more,
I look at my arm,
there they are,
those lines,
those red lines.

The lines I created,
I put them there.
They scare me,
I don't want them there,
but then something inside me does,
I don't know why,
it scares me.



They hurt,
I touch them softly,
they burn,
I don't like the way they feel.
I'm worried people will find out,
I don't want my friends to find out.

Sometimes people grab my arm,
I try not to show it hurts,
I attempt to not wince because of the pain,
I try to smile.
I try not so say ouch, but sometimes it slips.


I don't want them to know,
I know it won't be good,
I know what they will say
"Oh. She's a 'cutter'. I bet she just wants attention."
but I don't want attention at all.
"Ew! That's so gross, ew!"
I know they are not overly appealing. I know they are gross.
"That's so scary, I don't want to get involved, ew"
It is scary, it's really really scary.
"pffhht, that's so pathetic, she's so dumb, that never solves anything"

I don't want them to know,
I don't want them to leave me,
I have already lost to much,
I don't want to lose anything else.

I am trying to stop
depending on a blade,
I am trying to think positively about myself,
I am trying to get better.
I don't want more scars,
I don't want negative thoughts thrown at me,
I don't want them to worry.

It's hard,
sometimes I can't stop myself,
I black out,
then I look at my arm,
and the lines seemed to have multiplied.
I feel bad when that happens.
I know it hurts him to.

He took the blade away from me,
he wants me to stop.
I want to for him.
He has been through this before,
I don't want to bring him down,
I don't want to put him through it again.

It makes me sad,
to see him so hurt,
especially when I know it is because of me,
though what hurt the most,
was when he called me by her name,
that hurt me quite deeply,

I never want to be like her,
I told him over and over how I was like her,
so close it scared me,
but he said no,
he said I wasn't even close,
but yet,
he said her name,
I know it slipped,
but
it hurts to know that I remind him of her,

It makes me feel
so wretched, so loathsome,
I wanted to cry,
but all I could do was laugh,
he said he didn't mean it,
he said he said the same thing to her,

It makes me feel sick,
it makes me want to cut,
though,
then I would be more like her,
it makes me want to disappear...

I don't want to hurt him any more,
I don't want to burden him,
and
don't want to remind him of her.
but
at the same time I love him,
and don't want to leave him.

I am trying to stop,
but at every turn,
the feeling lurks
deep within the shadows.
I'm sorry to have let you all down,
but
I can only be so much,
which in my mind
should be nothing at all...

Morgan.E.Doowrah
©2008

Grey

The sky out side is grey,
It has been grey for days now,
the sun seems to have fled from here,
why, I do not know.

The rain never ceases,
it rains almost every hour.

That's OK though,
the sun has no reason to shine anymore,
well, at least not on me.

Seldom do I wish for the sun,
to few a time, do I ask for warmth,
from the giant fire in the sky,

I like the cold,
I am used to it,
I feel cold all the time,
it's normal,

Cold, just like the looks
I get form lots of people,
on the bus, at school, at home
it's quite normal.
I know why they do it,
it's because I am not pretty like them,
it's because I don't look like them.

I know this,
though sometimes
it really hurts,
sometimes I cry,
sometimes I feel like disappearing,
sometimes I just wish I was part of the wall,
or the bus seat,

Sometimes I wish I could die,
sometimes I even envision myself,
walking in front of a bus,
or holding my breath until my lungs explode.

I have become accustom
to seeing the world
as a melancholy place.
That's normal.

I am used
to feeling left out,
it happens all the time,
it makes my heart feel all stiff and cold,
cold, just like ice.

Sometimes when I get home,
I feel so low, so pathetic,
this happens quite often actually,
I cry and cry,
I get flustered,
I feel so stupid,

I am stupid,
I know I am, I have proved it,
I always fail in school, even though i try hard.
I am a burden and I break promises.

So I do what I know
is best .
I do what makes me feel better.
I cut.
and cut and cut.
I run the blade back and forth,
over and over and over,
and watch as the skin rises,
and the blood slowly appears.

That's what you deserve,
I think to myself
you stupid,ugly whore!
This is what you deserve!
Why do you have to be so stupid all the time!?
I repeat this to my self over and over
as more and more lines appear on my arm.

The sky out side is grey,
It has been grey for days now,
the sun seems to have fled from here,
and that's how it always is...

Morgan.E.Doowrah
©2008

[This has been on my mind for a while, I just decided to write about it. though I am slowly starting to realize, that this isn't helping the feelings fade as well as it used to o____O"]

Never before

Never before
have I felt the need
to run a blade back and forth
over my arm.

Never before
would I have guessed
that I would ever do this.

Never before
have I wanted to do it
again and again and again.

Never before
have I seen this
as a way
to solve anything.

Never before
have I wanted
to break the promise
I swore I would keep.

Never before
have I contemplated
going back on my word,
for I do not want to
push him away like his past.

Never before
have I thought
this was the way,
that this was an escape.

Never before
have I though about
why I do this,
perhaps attention,
or perhaps it feels good.

Never before
have I felt so low,
not knowing the reasons
why I commit such acts.

Never before
have I wanted
to draw attention to myself ,
in negative ways.

Never before
has pain
been an escape for me,
whether it be from
stress, sadness, or confusion,
or from anything as a matter of fact.

Never before
has the sight
of small crimson lines,
seeping out, from between a cut
make me feel so happy.

Never before
have I not cried
at the sight of blood,
or the feeling of pain.

Never before
have the words
"I am sorry"
been said so much

though...

I Have
felt so pathetic,
felt as though
I am a worthless piece of trash,
living amongst beautiful gems

I Have
wished to just
disappear into the air
and no longer be here.

I Have
contemplated doing this before,
yet I was never brave enough
to fully break the skin.

I Have
almost committed
suicide, though,
I never hand enough courage
to follow through.

I Have
thought about
doing it again,
this time just stepping in front of a bus,
of perhaps taking
to many sleeping pills,
in hopes I don't wake up...

I Have
scared myself,
just by listening to
the thoughts inside my head.

Now you must think
for what reasons
do you wish and inflict these
horrible things upon your self..

and sadly,

I do not have an
answer for you,

I found some one to love,
whom loves me back,
something I have always wanted.

I have a home to go back to,
I have a school to go to,
I have lots of things some people do not.

The things I do not have
are brains and looks,
I do not fit into the status quo,
nor do I have any talents at all...
I do not have the "qualifications"
as it were, to live in this world,
I end up hurting the one I love,
rather then helping him.

thus to you,
it must seem as though I have no reasons,
to do these things,
and quite frankly,
you are most likely right,
but for me,
I do not see it that way...

Never before
have I felt so sorry,
that all I want to do is
die

Morgan.E.Doowrah
©2008

[this is a rant mostly, not so much a poem. T'was supposed to be one, but I lost it and just began to mindlessly vent >_____<]

恐れ & 破損

Closed eyes
make for good shields
against the cold harsh thoughts
that hurl them selves at you.
The sharp, knifelike thoughts,
which never seem to cease.

It's not abnormal
for one to think about
events of the past
for a small period of time,
yet to think about them
for days and days,
having little to no reprieve,
is a tad strange,
especially if the event was not
sufficient to anything major.

Yet in the mind
of doleful adolescent girl,
thoughts seem rather persistent,
no matter how hard she tries to eradicate them,
they never go away,
they constantly resurrect themselves,
and pose new fears and uncertainties.

Try as she might,
the thoughts are never ending,
she tells others about these thoughts,
"Don't worry, just think that it never happened"
they tell her,
"Aww try not to dwell on it, think of nice things"
so she tries this,
yet it seems to be easier said than done.

She tells the one she loves,
"Please help me, please, I-I can't stop these t-t-thoughts, I try so-so very hard-"
she attempts to explain, amidst the river of tears,
"I-I try so very hard to forget them, but they just don't leave, I-I'm so scared."
quivering on the floor,
from having collapsed
Her hands pressed up against her eyes,
in a feeble attempt to stop the tears,

"Shh, stop please, it's ok, I told you it's ok, nothing happened right? I thought that was what we had decided?"
says the boy, rubbing her back
"I know it wasn't your fault, I know you didn't mean to break the promise, I know you didn't"
"BUT I DID! I DID BREAK IT, I DID, I DID, I DID, I AM SO SORRY"
her screams echo through out the hall,
reverberating from wall to wall,
"shh, shh, yes you did, but I forgave you, please know, I have forgiven you!"

When one convinces one's self,
to believe something,
it is often very hard to think other wise,

When you have your mind made up,
no matter what anyone says,
what you think is right,
and quite frankly, that's that.


Sadly for the girl,
she suffers from exactly that,
she has been forgiven,
she has been excused for her actions,
she has been provided with one last chance,
yet for her, it's hard to grasp that fact,
she does not understand how she has been forgiven,
she does not know why he has given her that chance.



She has commited acts,
in which usually are not forgivable,
yet they were,
she has inflicted things upon her slef,
which bring up memories of sadness,
for the one she loves,
yet he forgave her,
"why?"
the frail, dark lump on the ground whimpers,
"why do you give be one more chance, when I-I have hurt you so-so much, why?"
the boy smiles,
and says
"because, I really do love you silly"

Morgan.E.Doowrah
©2008

Nothing Hurts More

Nothing hurts more,
than the slow painful
red lines which appear
a few seconds after.

Nothing hurts more,
than the feeling
of cold metal on warm skin.

Nothing hurts more,
than watching
long lines of blood,
drip down your arm.

Noting hurts more,
than feeling the blade
slice the skin.

Nothing hurts more,
than crying for hours
as tears,
fall upon the wounds.

Nothing hurts more,
than knowing I hurt you,
knowing it was my fault
you are sad.

Nothing hurts more,
than looking in the mirror
and hating the thing
which stares back.

Nothing hurts more,
than the feeling of guilt,
of feeling so helpless and powerless

Nothing hurts more,
than having the knowledge
that no matter what I say,
I cannot change your decision.

Nothing hurts more,
than knowing I lost you,
because of the stupid
choices I made,
and the promises I senselessly broke.

Nothing hurts more,
than being alone,
being so sad,
and knowing you are not there anymore.

Nothing hurts more,
than being alive...

Morgan.E.Doowrah
©2008

[This is a bit emo. I am sorry. I guess I just needed to vent. Sorry that this is not so poetic, but I am not very good at writing, I guess you can already tell...]

Reflection

When I look in the mirror
I see this despicable, putrid, looking girl,
her hair always a mess,
her eye makeup always smudged,
her body large-ish and weak,
her teeth yellow and spotted,
[from a medical condition]
her hands dry and bony,
her fingers are littered with hang nails,
her nails them selves have been mauled by the splotchy teeth,
her arms and legs littered with scars,
to many to remember how they arrived there,

What a disgusting sight...

When I look in the mirror,
that girl I see,
is me.

Morgan.E.Doowrah
©2008

Cuts

The sky out side is grey,
It has been grey for days now,
the sun seems to have fled from here,
why, I do not know.


The rain never ceases,
it rains almost every hour.


That's OK though,
the sun has no reason to shine anymore,
well, at least not on me.


Seldom do I wish for the sun,
to few a time, do I ask for warmth,
from the giant fire in the sky,


I like the cold,
I am used to it,
I fell cold all the time,
it's normal,

Cold, just like the looks
I get form lots of people,
on the bus, at school, at home
it's quite normal.
I know why they do it,
it's because I am not pretty like them,
it's because I don't look like them.

I know this,
though sometimes
it really hurts,
sometimes I cry,
sometimes I feel like disappearing,
sometimes I just wish I was part of the wall,
or the bus seat,

Sometimes I wish I could die,
sometimes I even envision myself,
walking in front of a bus,
or holding my breath until my lungs explode.

I have become accustom
to seeing the world
as a melancholy place.
That's normal.

I am used
to feeling left out,
it happens all the time,
it makes my heart feel all stiff and cold,
cold, just like ice.

Sometimes when I get home,
I feel so low, so pathetic,
this happen quite often actually,
I cry and cry,
I get flustered,
I feel so stupid,

I am stupid,
I know I am, I have proved it,
I always fail in school, eve though i try hard.
I am a burden and I break promises.

So I do what I know
is best .
I do what makes me feel better.
I cut.
and cut and cut.
I run the blade back and forth,
over and over and over,
and watch as the skin rises,
and the blood slowly appears.

That's what you deserve,
I think to myself
you stupid,ugly whore!
This is what you deserve!
Why do you have to be so stupid all the time!?
I repeat this to my self over and over
as more and more lines appear on my arm.

The sky out side is grey,
It has been grey for days now,
the sun seems to have fled from here,
and thats how it always is...

Morgan.E.Doowrah
©2008

Light no longer shines here,
it's long since faded away,
and here I sit,
dwelling on the impending frustration and pain,
that awaits me

Here I anticipate the copious amounts of stress,
the long nights and many head aches,
perhaps even the resurfacing of an old,
yet, still volatile habit.

Deep within the crevices of my mind.
these thoughts reside,
constantly stabbing and scratching,
so that they remain the focus of my attention,
they annihilate any thought that may for some reason,
attempt to break the hold,
and lighten the grip these feelings have,
upon my wandering mind.

Darkness has erased,
the colour of my world.
No longer does light,
shine upon things here.
What used to be bright and vibrant,
has become caliginous and scrofulous,
nothing makes me smile any more,
each time a thought of joyfulness,
appears in my mind,
even just a glimpse,
it is crushed into a million little pieces.

I feel so alone here,
my body is cold and clammy,
am I the only one here?
Am I the only one suffering in this,
somber, deject place?
oh how my heart aches,
with such intense pain,
that tears form and flow,
at their own will.
Alone again, alone here,
how could this happen...

Yet all at one,
a rush of warmth trickles over my skin,
and off in the distance,
my swollen, red, tired eyes can see,
a tiny shred of light.
it seems to grow,
or rather I am moving towards it,
my frail, imperfect body,
moving on it's own,
as if it were attached to a string.

There in the light,
a hand,
reaching down towards me,
slowly and cautiously,
I place mine atop, and close my eyes,
it feels warm and soft here,
I do not feel scared any more,
though I know not of where I am,
I do not feel worried.

I open my eyes,
only to see a smiling boy,
"Why do you look so sad?"
the boy says to me
No words form in my mouth,
I struggle to find the right ones to say,
"Do you feel alone? Do you feel as though there is no one whom suffers from this like you?"


I try to speak,
yet no sound follows,
just the empty movements of my mouth.
The boy smiles
"Do not feel alone, there is no need to feel lonely any longer"
His smile so genuine, so jubilant,
still holding my hand,
he pulled me close to him,
and grasped my other hand,
then softly placed his for head upon mine,
and gazed into my eyes.

It felt as though,
he could see through me,
as though,
he was looking deep into my soul,
at that very moment,
i felt my heart start to pump vigorously,
I could feel my face turning red,

With my hands,
still intertwined with his,
and our heads close together,
he closed his eyes,
and so did I,
and with out warning,
he pressed his lips on mine.
At that very moment,
all my worries, all my pain,
the horrid stabbing and scratching,
of my thoughts ceased.
All I could feel was the joyfulness,
and the happieness,
that for so long I had forgotten.

"Let me help you.
let me share your pain, let me mend your wounds,
let me love you as you have so long wished to be,
let me hold you on the nights you are cold,
let me dry your tears,
let me be the one whom shall be yours forever,
please let me be the one you love,"

I could feel the cold tears,
form behind my eyes,
I tried so hard to hold them back,
yet was unsucessful,
as they started to fall,
and touch my nose,
i looked him in the eyes,
took one last deep breath,
and quietly told him...

ok

Morgan.E.Doowrah
©2008
[I think this drones on to long so please tell me if I should cut it shorter, I would like your critisism!?! And for some strange reason it made the last part Italic, and I cannot change it... >___<]