cutter

I'm scared,
I don't know whats wrong,
I don't know how this all started,
I don't know why...


It's all a blur,
I'm so confused,
nothing seems to make sense any more,
I look at my arm,
there they are,
those lines,
those red lines.

The lines I created,
I put them there.
They scare me,
I don't want them there,
but then something inside me does,
I don't know why,
it scares me.



They hurt,
I touch them softly,
they burn,
I don't like the way they feel.
I'm worried people will find out,
I don't want my friends to find out.

Sometimes people grab my arm,
I try not to show it hurts,
I attempt to not wince because of the pain,
I try to smile.
I try not so say ouch, but sometimes it slips.


I don't want them to know,
I know it won't be good,
I know what they will say
"Oh. She's a 'cutter'. I bet she just wants attention."
but I don't want attention at all.
"Ew! That's so gross, ew!"
I know they are not overly appealing. I know they are gross.
"That's so scary, I don't want to get involved, ew"
It is scary, it's really really scary.
"pffhht, that's so pathetic, she's so dumb, that never solves anything"

I don't want them to know,
I don't want them to leave me,
I have already lost to much,
I don't want to lose anything else.

I am trying to stop
depending on a blade,
I am trying to think positively about myself,
I am trying to get better.
I don't want more scars,
I don't want negative thoughts thrown at me,
I don't want them to worry.

It's hard,
sometimes I can't stop myself,
I black out,
then I look at my arm,
and the lines seemed to have multiplied.
I feel bad when that happens.
I know it hurts him to.

He took the blade away from me,
he wants me to stop.
I want to for him.
He has been through this before,
I don't want to bring him down,
I don't want to put him through it again.

It makes me sad,
to see him so hurt,
especially when I know it is because of me,
though what hurt the most,
was when he called me by her name,
that hurt me quite deeply,

I never want to be like her,
I told him over and over how I was like her,
so close it scared me,
but he said no,
he said I wasn't even close,
but yet,
he said her name,
I know it slipped,
but
it hurts to know that I remind him of her,

It makes me feel
so wretched, so loathsome,
I wanted to cry,
but all I could do was laugh,
he said he didn't mean it,
he said he said the same thing to her,

It makes me feel sick,
it makes me want to cut,
though,
then I would be more like her,
it makes me want to disappear...

I don't want to hurt him any more,
I don't want to burden him,
and
don't want to remind him of her.
but
at the same time I love him,
and don't want to leave him.

I am trying to stop,
but at every turn,
the feeling lurks
deep within the shadows.
I'm sorry to have let you all down,
but
I can only be so much,
which in my mind
should be nothing at all...

Morgan.E.Doowrah
©2008