Never before

Never before
have I felt the need
to run a blade back and forth
over my arm.

Never before
would I have guessed
that I would ever do this.

Never before
have I wanted to do it
again and again and again.

Never before
have I seen this
as a way
to solve anything.

Never before
have I wanted
to break the promise
I swore I would keep.

Never before
have I contemplated
going back on my word,
for I do not want to
push him away like his past.

Never before
have I thought
this was the way,
that this was an escape.

Never before
have I though about
why I do this,
perhaps attention,
or perhaps it feels good.

Never before
have I felt so low,
not knowing the reasons
why I commit such acts.

Never before
have I wanted
to draw attention to myself ,
in negative ways.

Never before
has pain
been an escape for me,
whether it be from
stress, sadness, or confusion,
or from anything as a matter of fact.

Never before
has the sight
of small crimson lines,
seeping out, from between a cut
make me feel so happy.

Never before
have I not cried
at the sight of blood,
or the feeling of pain.

Never before
have the words
"I am sorry"
been said so much

though...

I Have
felt so pathetic,
felt as though
I am a worthless piece of trash,
living amongst beautiful gems

I Have
wished to just
disappear into the air
and no longer be here.

I Have
contemplated doing this before,
yet I was never brave enough
to fully break the skin.

I Have
almost committed
suicide, though,
I never hand enough courage
to follow through.

I Have
thought about
doing it again,
this time just stepping in front of a bus,
of perhaps taking
to many sleeping pills,
in hopes I don't wake up...

I Have
scared myself,
just by listening to
the thoughts inside my head.

Now you must think
for what reasons
do you wish and inflict these
horrible things upon your self..

and sadly,

I do not have an
answer for you,

I found some one to love,
whom loves me back,
something I have always wanted.

I have a home to go back to,
I have a school to go to,
I have lots of things some people do not.

The things I do not have
are brains and looks,
I do not fit into the status quo,
nor do I have any talents at all...
I do not have the "qualifications"
as it were, to live in this world,
I end up hurting the one I love,
rather then helping him.

thus to you,
it must seem as though I have no reasons,
to do these things,
and quite frankly,
you are most likely right,
but for me,
I do not see it that way...

Never before
have I felt so sorry,
that all I want to do is
die

Morgan.E.Doowrah
©2008

[this is a rant mostly, not so much a poem. T'was supposed to be one, but I lost it and just began to mindlessly vent >_____<]