Rant I Guess

It's a feeling that starts in the bottom of your stomach.
I'm not quite sure how to describe it or if it's even possible.
Have you ever felt so numb that if a car traveling at 5o miles per hour were to hit you, you wouldn't feel your skull bash against the cement? Have you even felt so alone that even when there are people beside you, holding you, kissing you, everything just seems so dark? Almost as if someone has placed a blindfold over your eyes and you are empty?

I wouldn't expect anyone to understand this, nor does it phase me one way or the other. Being alone in this is what I am used to and what I have come to expect. No one can understand what it is that one another is feeling. We can pretend and we can sympathize but when push comes to shove there really isn't anything we can do. I have met a few people through out this mess and sure they all say they have felt certain things the way I have felt them. But have they really? Sure some of out symptoms are the same but are we really all the same kind of crazy? Traveling in darkness is a gambler's game really. You never know what is going to meet you either half way or at the end, that is if there is an end.

With that being said have I bored you at all yet? No one cares to know my story. No one cares to know the beginning, the middle, or how the bloody mess ends. Not one person except the lovely people I pay 130 dollars a week to tell. They "care" sure. I don't care whether or not people read this, and I certainly do not give a flying fuck what you may think. Actually to be honest I don't tend to give a fuck about anything really. It make s life much easier. There is nothing in this world that can sustain me I suppose. When I sit here and think about everything I have been told or shown, is there really something out there for me? Because in all honesty I cannot fathom such a thing. There are those who are blessed with the gift of positivity or the gift for passion. Then there are those who are forsaken and broken. "Hi, hello, nice to meet you!"

Those forsaken fragile people with nothing but a penny to their name, they are the true humans. Each human is scientifically able to feel emotions and partake in such events as crying and laughing. But the broken FEEL these emotions. The broken know the ins and the outs of sadness and of pain. They know what it is like to feel and to feel nothing at all. No one can understand that of which they go through unless you have gone through it yourself.

Many of the therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists out there believe they know how EXACTLY you are feeling and how EXACTLY you can fix that. Well in reality they have their heads shoved to far into the spine of their text books that it is almost impossible for them to breath, let alone understand what you re trying to tell them. Every once and a while you meet the perfect shrink that has gone through similar issues and can sort of relate to you. IF your a lucky one. I have had an assortment really. I have the bad ones, the dull monotone ones, the life coach ones and the "OH MY GOD YOUR CRAZY DEPRESSED AND SHOULD BE HOSPITALIZED!" ones. But I have also had the down to earth, been through something in their past ones. They are by far the best. The ones who can finish your sentences because they know what it it you are talking about. The best thing about these shrinks is that they use real language! None of this PHD, Masters, I have read the entire Oxford Dictionary forty eight times from front to back shit. The ones who say "Holy fuck no wonder you feel this way!" when you tell them what brought you there in the first place. Those are the best kind, if there is a best kind...

I have heard stories of recovery and of moving on. I have seen the progress of some close to me, but for some reason I just can't see it for myself. I thought I had be "cured" or "fixed" and I thought things were better. I moved out and started college and everything seemed fine and dandy, but slowly and surely things crept back up and tackled me from behind. Now I am pretty much back to point zero and have no idea how to get back out. So if you ever reach a good place, just remember to send me a post card!