Confusion

In my mind, I will never be acceptable.
There is no warmth in a place such as this.
Is it too cliche so say my mind is a prison?

I don't really know how to explain exactly how or what I feel.
I'm not sad all the time or suicidal.
Not like then, no. I feel different.
I sometimes wish I could feel just like I did back then because it would be familiar.
Something I know, something I can get used to again.

Now I feel high some days low others.
I feel scattered, and unorganized.
I want to cut and I want to cry
but something is stopping me,
holding me back from a quick fix.
Now I smoke weed, or drink, or sleep.

If i have to choose between this and the old me,
can I have her back?