Letters

I've stopped.
That is to say, I have for now at least.
I have no one to thank but you,
your love and compassion has pulled me out
of the cycle I was held prisoner.

There are those reasons
which also come drifting into my mind.
What other reasons do I have to do it?
Stress I suppose, I don't do well with stress,
but I am not dying, [well not that I know of]
I have you.
My family situation is a little depressing,
and I do not ever think I will be able to ever see my father in the same light I once did,
surely barely talking to one's father takes it's tole.
Things could be worse, yes much worse.
So in all honesty I suppose my reasons for doing this are trivial.

The more I cut me, the more I cut you.
When I bleed, you bleed.
'Tis common knowledge, yet my eyes see not the correct choice.
I know many troubled children do this as well.
'Tis unfortunately not my own secret.
It makes me feel foolish,
it makes me feel identical and indistinguishable from the other loathsome creatures who suffer from this horrid pain.
We all have our own valid reasons, but I wish it were just me.
Sadly I know your eyes have seen this before,
you know this far to well.

I shan't send you back down this road.
I care to much for you.

I am deeply saddened to say,
during an argument with my father last night,
I did indeed inflict wounds upon my skin once again.
I am sorry,
but since my mother took the phone from me,
I could not call you, I needed to call you.
You are my crisis line.
Without you I failed to hold up my walls.
Thus it took hold and away I went.
Needless to say, I know I shouldn't have to rely on you.
I understand that.
Just thinking of you usually makes me not want to do it,
I don't understand why it didn't work this time.

Lately my mother has been saying things that make me feel useless.
" Don't break that, don't do this, why don't you ever help clean"
things like this but all the time.
I have things to do and I know I should help more but it hurts to know
I do so much damage.
I am stressed out, and I know I can be rather harsh and rude.
But it still hurts.

She almost found out last night.
I only did it twice on my arms, but it bled any way.
"are you doing it again?"
she asked me, but in a blunt and coarse tone.
I told her no and laughed.
I am sure even if she did know she would just say it's stupid,
and that I just want attention or something senseless.

I decided that to continue slashing my arm
was a bad idea,
for I have to many sleeveless garments I wish to wear,
so being naive and stupid by continuing with this task,
I sliced my leg.

I thought it was over,
I thought I moved on.
Yet I was wrong again.
I am trying, I can do this.
I know I can.

This letter has changed significantly,
in two days it has gone from positive to negative.
I feel as though this will be the last time I hurt myself.
I want to believe it is the last time.
So again I apologize to you,
not that I want you to read this, for you already know everything I have just said.
So let's forget about this yes?

Morgan.E.Doowrah
©2008