I feel as though these thoughts of self-disdain have lingered here with me
for as long as I can remember.
Even when I was little I hated certain things about myself.
I can distinctly remember how I perceived myself to be.
I can remember when I was about four or five,
I used to hate the way I dressed, and the way people treated me like I was a baby.
I can remember throwing myself down the stairs which lead to my unfinished basement,
just to see how badly it would hurt me.
I remember feeling very awake and energetic after I did this.
As I continued to grow I can remember being the kid who didn't have the cool toys, or the kid everyone deemed the "side-kick"
I was always the secondary character in games at school. Only when it was just my closest friend and I, was I ever a main character.
In grade two I remember being the "new kid"
and oh how I was over joyed.
"New Kid" was my name for quite some time. I got left out and pushed behind everyone else.
I used to get picked on for the brown splotches on my front teeth, even though it was a medical condition. I have never really been in shape, so running has never been my strong suit. We used to play huge games of cops and robbers which included almost every grade. I can distinctly remember this boy say when I was "IT", "oh it's ok Morgan's it, no one has to run!" I remember feeling so stupid and horrid, I ran away and shouted I didn't want to play any more.

As I reached grade six and on into middle school, I began to think about my appearance and how others must view me. I have always had tremendously thick, bushy hair. I think thats the one, if not the only thing people remember about me from elementary school. On the day of my grade six graduation my mom brushed my hair [which made it really poofy] and only braided a tiny section on each side. Since my hair was quite thick the braids were as well. I felt ridiculous. I can remember thinking of how people were going to laugh at me and I hated myself.

Once I reached grade seven I began to feel very self conscious. I used to only bring apple sauce to school for lunch. [mostly because I was to lazy to make a lunch] and I would occasionally trade them for a tuna sandwich. I tried to fix my hair but it never felt right. I wasn't allowed to wear makeup and I got teased once because I didn't shave my legs. I used to be the target of people's jokes, whether is was intentional or just because I was there. It always used to make me feel alone and singled out. I was never very smart and I think one of the things that have followed me from my very first day of school, is my inability to get good marks. All through out school I got average marks, at times I would get superb marks and be very proud of myself.
I think I only ever got two A's on my report cards. My teacher would always say "Oh if only Morgan would try harder" or "Morgan talks to much, and does not participate in class" Over and over and over I heard these exact comments from all of my teachers, even now. I don't know why I don't "Try harder" it's as if I don't have any drive or inspiration to do so. Marks have always been one of the things I hate most about myself, my weight as well. I have always been the heavier kid. Or at least I believe I have been. I was always quite "pudgy", if you will. I have always had a hard time with my image. I am alway either to fat or to out of shape. I don't know how to wear makeup and I can't do anything with my hair. I have no sense of style, what so ever, and well I don't really know how to accessorise my outfits. I suppose there really isn't one thing I dislike the most. I suppose my weight and my dumbness.

But yes, I guess I just won't change, and I fear that my inability to change and grow will cost me allot. Perhaps it may also keep me from obtaining my goal of University. Of course I don't really have high hopes for that because I have learned that hoping for things often leaves you in the dark.