Seas of Red

These days go by
as if they were on fast forward.
They fade in and out like the sun in the clouds.
Hours spent in this building
seem to go by like minutes.
Sleep feels as though it lasts only mere seconds.

Nothings the same.

No one seems to notice,
the void I can see.
No one sees the gaping hole,
that is torn right through me.
I can see it.
I can feel it.
I know it's there.

People move by quickly,
smiling and laughing.
Groups of pretty girls pass by,
giggling about the cute boys in their English class.
I look around the bustling hallway,
and notice the rather large amount
of people in groups.
It seems as though I am the only one in the world,
not apart of anything.

It hurts.

These days I have become numb.
I don't feel anything.
I see those happy people,
and wonder what that feels like,
to be happy.
I wonder what it's like to laugh and joke around.

A teacher steps briskly past me,
flashing a smile in my direction,
yet I can not return the favour,
for I seem to have forgotten how.
As though this were a disappointment,
the smile quickly left her face
and she turned down the hall.

Deep inside.

Everything has become black and white.
My life feels as though it were a silent movie,
in which has no importance any more.
No one wants to watch a movie with no sound.

My life feels useless now.
just a few days ago I was living,
living for something,
living for someone.
Now, it seems,
there is no need for me.

It hurts.

I feel as though
I am a used napkin
left on the floor,
to be tossed away with
merely a thought.

I was living for him,
I was living for us,
but now that can be no longer.
There is no longer an "us"
for it seems we have dissipated.

I am useless now.

He promised me a forever.
I was to stupid to know better,
I was to dumb to remember that
there is no such thing.
I have let love
devour me,
I gave it my heart and it chewed it to pieces,
and spit it back out.

Because of me he has left,
and with him he took,
a part of me,
I know I shall never again have.
Because of my blind stupidity,
I dropped his heart to many a time,
and now I must pay the price for my mistakes.

I hurt him deeply.

I am now left here.
and empty shell of the girl I once was.
I seek solace in the blood drawn,
from my own body.
I seek comfort form the pain I know,
I deserve.

For now I surely,
will no longer bring upon a terrible sadness,
to the one I will always love,
for I shall leave this world.

Here I shall lay,
in a sea of red,
and call out to him,
in my last remaining breaths.
"I love you, I always will, I love you, I always have, I'm sorry, I'm so so sor-"
my last words cut short,
as the glow of life fades from my body.
at least now,
I shall die knowing,
I will no longer be a burden to this world,
and the people whom inhabit it.
I shall pass on with the knowledge that you are happy now.

No longer will I feel numb,
no longer will I live every day with regret,
no longer will I wonder why it had to be this way.
no longer shall I have to wonder what happiness feels like.
For no longer shall I be here,
For after all,
all good things must come to an end...

Morgan.E.Doowrah
©2008